Before I go any further, I think it's best to address the question you're dying to ask, “how did you end up in Afghanistan, Chris?” I said the same thing to those gypsies once they finally let me out of that musty duffel bag. They muttered something, but it was hard to understand since I was falling out of the truck...and by falling, I mean pushed. The gypsies got a new toaster out of deal. A four-slicer!
Joke! Should anyone from the Air Force Personnel Center (AFPC) read this blog, I'm only kidding. Kind of like AFPC during assignment cycles. Another joke...put away the dartboard with my picture on it.
Anyhoo...I'm over here on behalf of an agency that would prefer to remain anonymous. No it's not the CIA, or the FBI...or even the EPA. It's not cool, and I'm not ruining my awesome blog by naming those geeks. I will be serving as a quality assurance representative. Without seeing your reaction to the previous sentence, I'll bet it's the same as every other person's reaction, “good gravy, that sounds all kinds of sexy!” Before you go out and demand that you too are given the opportunity to be a QA rep, put away the picket signs and let me explain. I'll be performing audits. Not the kind where a person or company has met all legal requirements, but since I don't care for the cut of their jib I send them to jail anyway. The IRS saves that bit of despotic power for itself. Boy if I did have that power, I'd catch the first plane to where ever Nicholas Cage lives and audit him to the lengthy jail sentence he so richly deserves. But I digress.
Four-Star Amenities
I'm hanging out at Bagram Airfield for some training until I head out to my forward operating base (FOB). Let's discuss my accommodations at this fine intermediate stop. I'm staying in a containerized housing unit, or CHU. A CHU is essentially a subdivided shipping container. Before you laugh at my Hobo Hilton, consider the environment. Having your own CHU room is akin to finding a new $20 bill in your pocket EVERY DAY. Yes siree...I'm a big man round these parts!
Unfortunately, my CHU lacks indoor plumbing. Very few buildings have an integrated bathroom (latrine)...and by few, I mean the couple I've been in. Instead we have consolidated latrines and porta-terrors. The area I'm staying in, let's call it Camp Squirrel (to protect the innocent-me), has two seven-stall latrines. 14 chances at relief. How is the shared toilet situation working out? You'll love this...
Imagine living with roughly 100 raccoons. In case you're unfamiliar with the hygienic habits of racoons, they crawl into the garbage to eat. They're nearly as bad as opossums. The cool Hamburgler eye mask and hair on their tails are the only redeeming factors. Is the picture clearly etched in your mind? Well now imagine those are man-sized racoons. Yep...horrifying.
The shower situation is 180 degrees away from the latrine situation. Clean, plenty of hot water and never a wait for a shower stall. Remember...racoons.
The chow halls are great. You can eat four times a day if your dream is to become the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. Some people write blogs, others eat pounds of chicken wings. To each their own.
State-of-Some-Art Technology!
Wireless internet is available on a pre-paid or monthly basis. Remember the terms 'pack mule' and 'unionized'. After arriving at Bagram, I purchased 10 hours of standard 64K/sec broadband internet service for $5. That's right...ONLY $5! I'd pay that for dial-up. Granted, I won't be surfing the web at the roughly 200G/sec I get at home, but I'll be fine.
Thirty years ago, Einstein (or L. Ron Hubbard) decided that all internet data will travel at the speed of light. I don't think this service provider got the memo. Though I'm not a fully licensed electrical engineer, I'm fairly certain the data on this network travels by pack mule (memory jogger #1). Additionally, your minutes are expended regardless of whether you have connectivity. In true unionized fashion, they get paid whether the service works or not (memory jogger #2). This explains why there's a picture of Starscream on my profile instead of me. It would take 90 minutes to upload a 96K picture...assuming your connectivity lasts more than five minutes at a time.
Come back for my next entry, which I'll be dedicating to my family. They're presently keeping the home-front safe from my miserly spending habits. It's the economic rebound America has been waiting for!
ckj
P.S. I tried to use Camp Squirrel's laundry facilities, only to be turned away. Apparently you have to be part of the Camp's sponsoring division to use the washer and dryer in the compound. One team, one fight...but stay away from our washing machine!
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