Cleveland is a city that celebrates its relative obscurity. While many Americans may find this concept bizarre, Cleveland residents take comfort in their role as a ‘where is that, again?’ destination. Known by its unofficial motto: ‘The city that’s not Cincinnati’; Cleveland now finds itself center-stage in a nuclear drama most Americans were blissfully unaware of.
In 2009, Cleveland, along with Detroit, Philadelphia, and New Orleans, were charter members of the Government’s new ‘Axis of Desperation’ watch-list. For months Washington, D.C. officials debated how to handle this new threat. Options discussed included urban rejuvenation, overhauling the education system, or walling the cities off. Of all the alternatives considered, only a large-scale nuclear strike garnered unanimous support.
Cleveland residents balked at the prospect of their quaint city becoming a series of radioactive craters. One resident voiced her displeasure to Congress, stating that, “While it’s true Lebron James left our beautiful city, our sidewalks are in great condition and we have that thing downtown that serves homemade churros.” D.C. officials dismiss such comments as “ludicrous”. “It’s Cleveland, for crying out loud!” decried one Ohio lawmaker. “Living in this state is bad enough. But when you wake up every day in Cleveland, all you have to look forward to is a mushroom cloud.”
Canada’s government, worried that radioactive fallout would drift over its cities, lodged a formal complaint with Washington and United Nations officials over the plan to bomb two Great Lakes-area cities. However, Canadian officials withdrew their protest after the U.S. assured them no refugees would escape the attacks and cross the border. Both sides believed minor radiation sickness among Canada’s citizenry was a fair price to pay for destruction of the two cities.
Cleveland’s outlook became increasingly grim, but they found hope in an unlikely ally. At a cabinet-level brief of the proposed strike, the Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS) commented how sad it would be to see the home of hot wings become a smoldering wasteland. His colleagues didn’t have the heart to tell him Buffalo was several hundred miles east of Cleveland, and allowed him to continue the semi-coherent rant. Absent facts regarding the origin of ‘Buffalo Wings’, the HHS head lobbied Congress to save Cleveland from impending doom. Out of respect for the Secretary’s legendary ignorance, an agreement between the White House and Congress gave Cleveland a reprieve…for now. One official, who asked not to be identified, said he’s confident Cleveland will be gone by 2013. “It’s inevitable…because it’s Cleveland. CLEVELAND!”
The residents of Detroit and Philadelphia accepted their fates early. “Heck, I’d bomb this city today”, relayed one small business owner. There was no comment from New Orleans, presumably because rampant illiteracy prevented them from reading the announcement.
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