Dreams

27 Jan 11

What is a dream? I found myself pondering that question after waking up from a doozy. Oddly enough it wasn't the dream that woke me up, it was the eerie silence. After a week at J-bad, I've become accustomed to noise. Aircraft on the flight line; vehicles driving by my quarters all night; my air conditioning unit trying to free itself from the wall...the sounds of slumber.

Before diving into the dream, I should share a bit of history. My fifth grade teacher was named Mr. Hurst, and like most educators privileged enough to experience me, he hated my guts. Everyday at F.R. Danyus Elementary School was like my own private Shawshank Redemption. One of the more memorable exchanges between us went a little like this:

Mr. Hurst: “Chris, I think it's time for you to be quiet.”
Me: “I think it's time for you to leave me alone.”
Mr. Hurst: “Okay Chris, you just bought a day of detention.”
Me: “Whatever!”
Mr. Hurst: “Make that two days.”
Me: “You don't scare me.”
Mr. Hurst: “Three days!”
Me: “We'll see what my mom has to say about this.”
Mr. Hurst: “FOUR DAYS!”
Me: “How about I just shut up now...”

He actually ended up giving me five days of detention because he...how did he phrase it, oh yeah, “despised” me. As for what my mother had to say about it, let's just say I lost on that front as well and leave it at that. Two-front conflicts are rarely winnable, and my venture into that arena was no different. But you have to admit telling an eleven year-old kid you despise him is pretty mean.

How does this relate to my dream? Well it happens that I was a fifth grade teacher at that same elementary school. I was dealing with a lippy child who looked remarkably similar to me. He wouldn't shut up...it was amazing. He was a know-it-all with a wise-guy remark for everything I said. I wanted to throw a chair at him. Holy cow that kid was annoying!

After waking up, I had time to think about that disturbing dream. Was it my sub-conscious' way of saying, “Chris, you have lived up to your full 'jerk' potential”; or was I merely suffering indigestion from the sizable coffee drink I had before bed. I'm willing to go along with Scrooge's mindset that crazy dreams can be traced to 'a blot of mustard' or 'a crust of bread'...or a large latte frappe. But more than likely it was my sub-conscious hard at work being a jerk itself.

I guess there is some credibility to the sub-conscious angle. After all, it seems silly to blame being challenged to a fight by my tenth grade history teacher on indigestion.

-ckj

COBRAS!

28 Jan 11

Afghanistan has cobras. This isn't some type of school yard proclamation like, “Sally has cooties”; or “Billy has lice”! No friends, it's much more serious than that. As far as I'm aware, this country has been inhabited by cobras for quite a while. Ordinarily that's not necessarily a bad thing. But ordinarily I'm not in Afghanistan. In fact, I've done a fantastic job living on continents where cobras are only allowed to exist in captivity. (Let's hear it for freedom!) Now that I'm here, the reality of cobras occupying the same territory as me is a little unnerving.

Don't get me wrong...I'm not usually the type to stick my nose in other ecosystems. I've always believed if Asia wanted to be home to animals such as the man-eating tiger, the man-eating monkey, and those stupid panda bears (that are just dying to eat people), it was simply none of my business.

North America's ecosystem is much easier to understand. Most things that could eat you will let you know it was coming. It's an ingenious design on nature's part. Anyone who has ever cleaned an animal prior cooking it knows how messy it can be. If the large animal gives you a few minutes to think about your fate, you're likely to  evacuate your bowels in short order. VIOLA...self-cleaning dinner! Alligators are a different story, but as long as you steer clear of Florida, you're good there. But back to the cobra issue.

The obvious solution to this cobra problem is a combination of mongoose...s (or mongeese...whatever!) air dropped into Asia, and rapid deforestation. Give the cobras no refuge!

-ckj

Welcome to Jalalabad!

24 Jan 11

I finally made it to Jalalabad (which will be referred to as the much shorter and easier to spell 'J-bad' from now on)! Actually I arrived a while ago, but get on board with the excitement anyway. I could describe the location and terrain of the J-bad area, but why expose myself to such mundane...uh, mundaneness when I can let the World Wide Web do all the work.

It's been over a week since I updated the blog. Let's just say I've experienced some 'minor setbacks'...if one can consider a grand conspiracy of global proportions 'minor'. The good news is I have internet access at  speeds far exceeding the stuff I had at Bagram. The bad news is the restrictions are, shall we say 'severe'. I knew there would be limited content available, which is why I resigned myself to halting work on the 'Chris Jones Emporium of Internet Gambling and Other Shady Endeavors' until I returned home. Still...these  restrictions border on lunacy! Most images are blocked, so I can't Google myself (RATS!). Facebook is blocked, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. Worst of all, my blog is blocked! I'll scope out the FOB for other internet options. We have a Green Beans and a MWR here. Hopefully one of them has a Wi-Fi hotspot.

Since I know you're wondering, “what the heck is Green Beans”; it's Asia's answer to Starbucks. 'Asia' the continent, not 'Asia' the group.

I've got a pretty sweet set-up here in J-bad. I have an entire shipping container to myself! Don't let the mental image fool you, it's a five-star set-up.

Well, that's it for this installment. Time to see if I can find an internet  spot that will let me upload a blog. Otherwise, I'll be stuck stockpiling entries until I find some decent internet!  If I'm really lucky, I'll be able to play blackjack while I wait.

Until next time!

ckj

Hiatus

After an exhaustive search, I've finally found a way to update my blog. Okay, “exhaustive” may be a slight exaggeration. Let's just say I 'stumbled across' the solution. I thought about just giving up on it all together, but I asked myself: “What would Rick Astley do?”

If you said 'dance', then you're nothing more than an 80's poser who obviously missed his videos. The correct answer is never gonna give...uh...my blog up. And never gonna let YOU down. After all, I do this for you.

I've written several entries with the intention of posting them when I have a chance, so rather than interrupt the seamless continuity of those entries, this entry will be dedicated to a few things I've learned in-theater so far.

- Little things can make all the difference during a deployment. For instance, the fine folks at the dining facility do a great job offering a variety of meals for us. Stuffed peppers is one of my favorites dishes. Before you read the previous sentence again, the term 'stuffed peppers' is singular in that we're talking about a dish. Therefore it wouldn't be “stuffed peppers are” unless you're discussing a quantity of said dish. Now that we've resolved that issue, back to the stuffed peppers. It was a bad choice. I won't get into the details, but I'm fairly certain the secret ingredients were E-Lax and botulism. Oh well...maybe they'll be better next time. Yes, I will try them again. I like to live dangerously.

- Bingo night is a big deal. Any other time I'd scoff at the chance to win a second-rate chick flick. Throw a bingo card and a few chips into the mix, and all bets are off. The grand prize was a $15 gift card. EVERYONE wanted that card. Alas...I didn't win it. Heck, I didn't win anything. There's always next month.

- The ability to eat whenever you want, as many times as you want, can be a bad idea. I have a good system in place: a Clif Bar for breakfast, a couple of sandwiches and a salad for lunch, and a decent dinner. All in all, probably about 1800 calories. “Where is he going with this?”, you're wondering. Well, I was behind this individual at the sandwich bar and he was complaining about how he's gained 50 pounds while deployed. That's right folks...50 pounds! “You're supposed to eat five meals a day”, he continued complaining. “I eat breakfast, then I hit the sandwich bar about mid-morning. Then I eat lunch, followed by a couple of  sandwiches in the afternoon. Then I eat a big dinner so I'm not hungry at night. Hmmm, can't argue with that logic. It won't be long before we're reading about the wall to his house being cut out so they can get him to the hospital...on a flat-bed truck.

That's it for now. I have to get ready for Salsa Night.

And they better have enough chips!

ckj